Love Those That Piss You Off
Your initial reaction to this post's title might be, "Aw hell no!" or "Why?!?!" But I hope you'll stick with me for a moment. Emotional literacy demands that we take 100% responsibility for our emotions. Yes, emotions creep up from our interactions with others, but the emotions are happening within us, based on our perception and beliefs. It doesn't happen in the people that may be pissing us off. Since the emotions are happening in you, that's really the only place you can address it (the emotion).
The people that piss us of are the mirror we need to be our best self. They show us the parts of our self and our life that we can improve. The discomfort (anger, sadness, etc) point to the things in us that need to grow and change.
I had an emotional challenge this past weekend involving a loved one. After the series of events, I was upset...no, I was angry at this person for being blind to their actions. I also believe that I had the best intentions with my action. So why was this person doing what they were doing, which was also going against what they said they wanted. I was just an upset mess all around. So I turned to my tools - EFT, Emotion Code, journaling, brainwave entrainment, to help get me back into a more balanced state of mind.
Once at that calmer mind place, the "fix" I kept coming up with was "this person needs structure". Going on the belief that what happens around us is a reflection of our inner world, I realized I'm the one that really needs what I think my loved one needed. What I realized is that structure would give ME a framework to make the most loving decisions for myself and that person. I would be something to reference, an established boundary to make my 'yay' or 'nay' simpler. Example: I want to be helpful but I would feel resentful when I got calls about a particular business project at any time of the day, as those calls often include me needing to do a rush project. So I created a time window in which I am available to talk about or work on that particular business, that way I can still be helpful and stay out of feeling resentment for the random, on the fly calls for me to do things last minute. As the other party knows that this is the designated time, I don't have to feel like I'm letting them down by saying "no" to other times.
In her book "Rising Strong", Researcher, Story-teller Brene Brown shares that "Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They're compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.” And this is not just an opinion because she bases what she shares on having enough pieces of data to reach a critical mass.
I also know that it is hard to be clear-minded when we deep in our emotional upsets. It is known that there is less function in our pre-frontal cortex during those times. Having established boundaries or structures for ourselves to follow during those times are super helpful.
There is also the universal law of like attracts like or that which is like unto itself is drawn. So one of the questions I like to ask myself is, "What in me is attracting this person that is in-turn allowing these feelings to surface?"
Journaling is something I do when I'm in my emotional upset, along with other modalities such as EFT/tapping. Putting pen to paper slows down our speeding mind and helps get the pre-frontal cortex back into gear. Here are some additional questions that are helpful to me when I'm deep in my emotional upset.
What am I upset/angry/sad about?
Who am I angry/upset with?
What do I believe is true that is causing these feelings?
What in me needs to shift/change?
What do I stand to gain or lose in this situation?
What is the outcome I'd prefer and what if I don't get it?
Five months from now, how much will this matter?
We (our self) are the only people we can control. Even in situations when others are doing things we don't like, we can still only control ourselves. We have the power to change us only, and in so doing, we change our world, and yes, even the people around us.